


Without You I'd Be Losing

by V_eliza



Series: Buddie Week 2020 [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley and Eddie Diaz Being Idiots, Getting Together, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Oblivious Evan "Buck" Buckley, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:14:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26601217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_eliza/pseuds/V_eliza
Summary: Buddie Week 2020 Day Three: “Is that blood?” “...No” + HurtWork used to be his one escape for the constant emptiness inside. In the past, walking through the firehouse doors could brighten even his darkest moods. Now, he spent his workdays trying to distance himself from his family colleagues. They would all leave him eventually, it was time he prepared himself for the inevitable. During their long shifts, Buck would volunteer to do as many chores as possible as long as it kept him away from everyone else. The only time he truly had a conversation with anyone was on a call, just when it was necessary.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931581
Comments: 3
Kudos: 362





	Without You I'd Be Losing

Buck had never been more alone in his life. He wasn’t alone in a physical sense. He’d never had a family quite like the one he had now. But being surrounded by people didn’t take away the loneliness he felt. He saw the way his friends interacted with their loved ones, how they treasured every moment together. He saw how they comforted each other in their darkest days, cheering them on when they needed it most. No one acted like that with him. 

Ever since meeting and then quickly losing Red, Evan had become more and more aware of his loneliness. Little things that had never bothered him before now kept him up at night...

Becoming an uncle was something he was excited about but it was also the main source of his current anxiety. Finding out his sister was pregnant should’ve been the highlight of his year. Instead, he spent his nights fearing life without her. She’d never leave him on purpose, but with a family of her own, she wouldn’t need him anymore. 

Maddie had Chimney. Hen had Karen. Bobby had Athena. Eddie had Ana. Buck had… Buck.

It was pathetic. He was pathetic. That was probably why he had no one.

Evan knew his constant self-pitying wasn’t healthy, but it's not like he had anyone to talk to about it. There was no way in hell he was going back to therapy and he wasn’t gonna bother his friends with his issues. They didn’t need to worry about him, they had other people to worry about after all.

Work used to be his one escape for the constant emptiness inside. In the past, walking through the firehouse doors could brighten even his darkest moods. Now, he spent his workdays trying to distance himself from his family colleagues. They would all leave him eventually, it was time he prepared himself for the inevitable. During their long shifts, Buck would volunteer to do as many chores as possible as long as it kept him away from everyone else. The only time he truly had a conversation with anyone was on a call, just when it was necessary.

Evan knew his change in behavior hadn’t gone unnoticed. But clearly, no one cared about him enough to ask if he was doing okay. It was just more proof that he was going to end up alone.

Sometimes he wondered what the point was. If all he was ever going to be was lonely, why bother living anymore. Thoughts like that scared him a lot. He wasn’t sure when he had fallen so low and the scariest part was that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back up. No one knew just how bad things had gotten… Until Buck dropped a glass.

He'd been doing the dishes, alone obviously. The rest of the 118 were enjoying a brief second of peace in the bunkrooms while he stood scrubbing the same glass again and again. It was like he was in a trance, pondering his own existence. Unfortunately, he was so caught up the darkness in his mind, he didn’t notice the glass slip from his grasp. The glass shattered in the sink, covered by warm water and soap bubbles. He couldn’t see the shards but he didn’t care. He went back to cleaning, not bothering to pick up the glass spread across the bottom of the sink. Now and then his hand would catch on some glass, sending a sudden sharp pain through his nerves. He didn’t do anything about it, just kept washing up.

He heard the sound of footsteps approaching too late. So caught up in the task at hand that the presence went unnoticed for too long.  _ How was he going to hide this? Quick, Buck, think! _

“Buck?”

“Eddie. Hi... I thought you were resting...”

“I wanted to check on you… Is that blood?”

“…No?”

Eddie raised his eyebrows, evidently not convinced by Buck's nervous stature.

“It’s uhm… ketchup. Yeah… ketchup. I was washing the plates and ketchup got in the water…”

“Wanna try that again?” Slowly, the older firefighter shuffled closer, trying to peer around Buck and get a clear view of the sink.

“Look, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. Go back to bed Eddie.” Buck’s breathing began to increase, his heart rate rising quickly.  _ Why couldn’t Eddie just leave him alone? Everyone else does! _

“That’s definitely blood. Give me your hand, did you break a plate or something?” Eddie reached for the nearby first aid kit, making it obvious that he wasn’t letting this go. But Buck wasn’t giving in yet.

“Let it go, Diaz.”

“You’re worrying me, Buck. You only call me Diaz when your pissed at me or hiding something. So, show me your hand and let me help.”

Evan didn’t move.

“Why are you making this so hard Buck? Everyone drops a plate every now and then you're not gonna be in trouble dude.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Cos you’re acting really sketchy man.”

“Sketchy?”

“Yeah, sketchy.”

“I’ve never heard you use that word before”

“Evan, don’t change the subject. Give me your hand or I will wake up Cap.”

The threat of waking up Bobby was enough to break down Buck’s defenses. Reluctantly, he moved his hands from behind his back, sitting at the table and placing his hands in front of Eddie.

“Buck, what happened? You’ve got like 20 cuts all over your hands. Did you shove it into a bag of shattered glass?” Eddie’s accusation wasn’t intended seriously, but the moment he said it, Buck looked away in shame. The older man was clearly onto something. He suddenly moved towards the sink, emptying the water and gasping as he spotted the bloody glass layering the bottom. 

“You must've known it was in there Buck! Why didn’t you just clean it up?”

Once again, Evan retreated into his shell. His eyes remained locked on the table while is his mouth stayed shut.

Realizing he wasn’t getting any answers out of Buck anytime soon, Eddie returned to the first aid kit. Grabbing what he needed, he sat at the table and began disinfecting the shallow wounds. With every move Eddie made, Buck hissed in pain. It broke Eddie’s heart.  _ Why hadn’t Buck cared that he was hurt?  _ He fought desperately to remain calm as reality hit him. His best friend was in pain and he hadn’t noticed.

“Buck we need to talk about this.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I dropped a glass, I tried to clean it up and caught myself on the shards. End of story.”

“I know you well enough to spot when you’re lying.”

“It was an accident, Eddie.”

“Maybe at first. You dropped a glass accidentally but didn’t clear it up on purpose. Why?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does. I’m worried about you. You’ve been avoiding all of us, don’t think we haven’t noticed. You look miserable all the time and now this. I’m scared, Buck.”

“Since when do you talk about your feelings.”

“Okay, I deserved that. But I hope you know that I was wrong.”

Evan looked to Eddie, confusion written all over his face. In any other situation, Eddie would’ve considered the look very adorable.

“I remember every word I said to you in the grocery store. I can't count how many nights I've spent replaying that argument over and over again in my head. The things I said to you were out of line, undeserved, and completely untrue. Trust me when I say keeping things to yourself and just ‘getting over’ things is not healthy.” Both men had tears in their eyes, the memory of their fight haunting them both.

“Buck look at me, please.” Eddie gently placed his hands on Buck’s face, drawing the younger man’s eyes up to meet his. “You are not exhausting and you are not selfish. You are smart and kind and funny. We are all so lucky to have you in our lives. You avoiding us has made us all realize just how much we love you. I know after Red, you felt alone and we didn’t do enough to help. But I promise you, Evan, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere… none of us are.”

The tears were falling freely now. Every drop of water escaping Evan’s eyes landed gently in Eddie's hands. Neither made an effort to wipe them away, knowing more would follow. Eddie could tell his words were beginning to get through to Buck, but something was still bothering the younger man.

“Buck, talk to me.”

“You are here now. But you won't always be. You have Ana now. You don’t need me anymore.”

“Buck, Ana and I aren’t together.”

“What?”

Eddie looked down and laughed quietly. Maybe he wasn’t as obvious with his feelings as he thought.

“I went on one date with Ana and she made me realize I was already in love with someone else.”

“Oh. Well, whoever she is she’s a lucky girl.”

If that wasn’t enough to make Evan realize what Eddie was trying to tell him then it was time to do something more drastic.

Slowly, to allow Buck time to opt-out, Eddie moved in for a kiss. He hesitated slightly the closer their lips got wanting to be sure Evan wanted the same thing. The second their lips touched the world stopped. It was cliché but true. A simple kiss was everything and more than either man had ever wanted or could've ever imagined. As they pulled apart, their hands laced together, neither wanting to let go of the other just yet. Their foreheads gently rested together, as Eddie whispered proclamations of love.

“I meant it, Buck. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

When they finally moved apart, they both felt lighter. A weight had been lifted, if only they hadn’t taken so long to figure it out.

“Look, our shift is almost over. Come home with me. Christopher would love to see his Buck. But we also need to talk about what happened.”

“Eddie, I meant it when I said it was an accident. I just wasn’t thinking and…. I’m sorry. I swear I wasn’t trying to hurt myself… I…”

“Shh, you don’t have to explain anything to me. If you say it wasn’t intentional then I believe you. But I need to know, have you thought about hurting yourself before?”

Buck’s silence was all the answer Eddie needed. He swore to himself then and there that he would never let Buck feel lonely again. No one should have to suffer in silence. If it took the rest of his life, he would make sure Evan Buckley felt loved.


End file.
